Do it in the most roundabout way, by playing Portal 2.

FRACTAL 2022/02/09(Wed)16:21 No. 1022914 ID: cdbf4f
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>seduce her!

i can’t do that! i’m a wifeguy now! that’s like cheating! this has to be solved with either violence or cunning. probably

FRACTAL 2022/02/09(Wed)16:21 No. 1022915 ID: cdbf4f
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>Robots don't respond well to liquid, your drink's sacrifice won't be in vain. Probably, y'know, most likely.

i throw my drink on the wifebot, in a frenzy, before she can start blaring “about today” at 600 decibels.

I MEAN… WOW… OKAY. LIKE, FOR ME, THIS IS ACTUALLY BRINGING UP SOME REALLY SENSITIVE STUFF

“you are an unsolicited robot who broke into my house,” i say, experimentally, in case that might do anything.

I MEAN LIKE IDK IT’S CRAZY HOW I DO ALL THIS FOR YOU AND CAME ALL THIS WAY AND STUFF AND LIKE. WHAT. I’M THE BAD GUY NOW. IT’S FINE THOUGH. YOU’RE NOT AN EMPATH LIKE I AM AND I GET THIS IS DIFFICULT FOR YOU

this is not working

FRACTAL 2022/02/09(Wed)16:21 No. 1022916 ID: cdbf4f
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>Summon an OC to challenge the wifebot to drinking contest.

THIS IS GOOD. THIS WILL MAYBE WORK. who am i calling?

JOL JOL JOL JOL DOG MILF LOVE OF MY LIFE JOL!!!!!!!!!!!

summon the strong vampire lady from your quest. huge muscles. fluffy hair. i forget her name but i love her still. she is strong like lion and will protect us and hopefully not wake up your wife

>>1022916
Sweat or Belial. I wanna see drunk angel.

i wanted to say, ricardo seems responsible enough, until i rememered more about him. i really want to see lamb but i think an anti wife guy would be best. one that would be willing to help you. a fuckboy that is worse than wifebot and also willing to help you
i don't think there are any in your roster sorry

what the fuck is 4loko, sounds like battery acid

Hey, now I wasn't thinking about cheating. I was thinking more like a practice kissing bot, you know the one that can't sound from her mouth if there is something in her mouth. But sure, let's go with the summon of an OC in the form of a giant magnet. That is it, just summon a giant magnet.

>>1022918
Seconding Jol!

Quit ghosting your wife man she’s weird but she’s already forced herself into that role, time to live with it.

Also 4loko don’t exist anymore, they removed the caffeine. It’s just 4 now. No more Loko

FRACTAL 2022/02/09(Wed)16:52 No. 1022926 ID: cdbf4f
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i am just going to call everybody who gets mentioned. who gives a shit. there’s no rule that says i only get one

FRACTAL 2022/02/09(Wed)16:53 No. 1022927 ID: cdbf4f
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i summon JOLENE from ACID SOUP!


“oooooh,” says jolene.

“hi i need you to outdrink this robot who thinks she’s my wife,” i say.

jolene informs me she only drinks vodka. vodka is the only thing i do not drink. we’re gonna have to figure this out.

FRACTAL 2022/02/09(Wed)16:53 No. 1022928 ID: cdbf4f
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i summon RICARDO from TRASHY VAMPIRE ROMANCE NOVEL!



“hey,” says ricardo.

“hey hi yeah can you drink more than a 20-22 year old lesbian robot?” i ask.

“what,” says ricardo.

“you gotta drink! you gotta start drinking! go to the kitchen and find some drinks!”

ricardo does that because he is kind of scared of anyone who is louder than him.

FRACTAL 2022/02/09(Wed)16:53 No. 1022929 ID: cdbf4f
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i summon SWEAT and BELIAL from ACID SOUP!

“awake again, born again — now there is another time, another place, and i fall into it without thinking,” says sweat.

“oh fucking god damn it why did i write you to talk like this,” i say.

YOU DUMB BITCH. YOU LAZY PIECE OF SHIT. I’VE BEEN IN LIMBO FOR YEARS, says belial.

“yeah whatever. i’ve been drawing half-naked catboys arching their backs for patreon. can you go drink more than this annoying robot for me please.”

belial does that because he loves to do that. sweat i don’t think i can do anything with but whatever.

ALL SUMMONED QUEST CHARACTERS CAN NOW BE GIVEN SUGGESTIONS

>what the fuck is 4loko, sounds like battery acid

nailed it.

Bargain with Jolene. Maybe you could try drinking Vodka one day if they try drinking your entire drink cabinet today.

ricardo honey you can lie down and take a nap i think belial has got this one

i give you my credit card information to buy as much vodka for jolene as she wants tell her i stan her

make him steal ur gril

oh man im going to gift you an ugly basement vodka one day. watch out. can ricardo just throw self-absorbed badvibe wifebot out of a window or does he respect women too much, even ones that do not know what healthy emotional boundaries are, and are also made out of metal

I want to see Belial and Jolene interacting! Ricardo and Sweat interacting!

BELIAL PLEASE FUCK THIS UP!!!!!

At this point, this isn't a fair fight for the robot. I suggest you give one of your allies to the bot, to make things more interesting.

Your wife wakes up, sees what's happening, grabs earplugs, and closes the door

FRACTAL 2022/02/09(Wed)17:49 No. 1022940 ID: cdbf4f
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>can ricardo just throw self-absorbed badvibe wifebot out of a window or does he respect women too much, even ones that do not know what healthy emotional boundaries are, and are also made out of metal

“hey ricardo,” i say.

“huh,” says ricardo, who has not yet found the kitchen, because he doesn’t really want to open any closed doors in case one of them leads to something sensitive like a bedroom or a bathroom or something

“can you just throw this robowife out of a window for me?”

“your flat doesn’t really have any windows,” says ricardo. “you live like halfway underground or something. i guess i could put her on the patio but that’s still kind of in the house.”

uuuuuuuugh. “like, i’m asking if you can basically destroy her, physically,” i clarify.

“uhhhhhhhhhh,” says ricardo. “i don’t know. it’s. i feel weird, because…”

“don’t say ‘because she’s a woman,’” i warn him.

ricardo shifts uncomfortably. “it’s. just. i’ve been raised… a certain way, and—”

“women are so violent. i have written you having your ass handed to you by unbelievably violent women,” i remind him. “you have, like, really been injured by women. canonically it’s fine for you to get in fights with women.”

“mmmmmmmmmmmmm,” says ricardo.

WHATEVER. GOD. THIS IS WHY I DON’T USUALLY WRITE CHARACTERS LIKE THIS

FRACTAL 2022/02/09(Wed)17:49 No. 1022941 ID: cdbf4f
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>ricardo honey you can lie down and take a nap i think belial has got this one

“thank you. jesus christ. everything this person tries to make me do is so hard.”

ricardo curls up on the floor in my living room and goes to sleep. that’s fine.

FRACTAL 2022/02/09(Wed)17:49 No. 1022942 ID: cdbf4f
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>Bargain with Jolene. Maybe you could try drinking Vodka one day if they try drinking your entire drink cabinet today.
>i give you my credit card information to buy as much vodka for jolene as she wants tell her i stan her
“jolene,” i say, stepping over ricardo’s body.

“mmmmmm,” says jolene. she has already found her way into my gin.

“maybe we can work something out. i can buy some vodka, but, uh — i mean, it’s not gonna get here tonight, but, when it does, i can, like—”

“you are a MORSEL,” says jolene.

okay. i gotta leave the kitchen, like, right now immediately, actually. it kind of seems like she’s set where she is.

FRACTAL 2022/02/09(Wed)17:50 No. 1022943 ID: cdbf4f
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>Your wife wakes up, sees what's happening, grabs earplugs, and closes the door

in quintessential quest fashion, this is now true!

my wife is so sleepy. “baby? are you still doing your quest thing?”

i am trying to hide all the quest characters in our house with my body. it’s not really working but whatever my wife is so sleepy. “yeah baby i’m having SO much fun! go back to bed!”

“okay! i love you!”

“love you SO much. night.”

okay. i mean. i guess that means i don’t have to worry about noise anymore? this wifebot is still extremely in my house though

Guess it's time to party it up with Ricardo and co

I mean, are any of your characters hackers? Or like...good with math. Or...puzzles?? Trick the robot into conceding defeat or exploding; ask it self-referential questions and junk

FRACTAL 2022/02/09(Wed)18:20 No. 1022946 ID: cdbf4f
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>Guess it's time to party it up with Ricardo and co

i mean. yeah. sure.

FRACTAL 2022/02/09(Wed)18:20 No. 1022947 ID: cdbf4f
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MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS ARE NOT BEING MET, says wifebot.

“what are your emotional needs,” i ask, because i’m pretty drunk at this piont and diplomacy is starting to sound pretty good

THAT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, says wifebot. YOU JUST HAVE TO FIGURE IT OUT

“hm,” i say. i am starting to realize this isn’t actually super funny bc anything i could be parodying/commenting on in wifebot is also stuff i was probably doing when i was dating in my early 20s because this is just kind of what humans are like somehow. boy i hope none of my exes ever find this bc they’re gonna think i’m commenting specifically on them instead of on what gay human beings in their early 20s are sometimes like

FRACTAL 2022/02/09(Wed)18:20 No. 1022948 ID: cdbf4f
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i gotta find another plot thread. think of something quick. im depending on you guys

do a flip!

Sure would unfortunate if Ne decided to show up

drink water and tuck yourself into bed. its also 3 am for me and im endlessly pleased about your return, but go to bed with your wife. be warm.

>>1022948
BUT THEN THE FEDS ARRIVE

>>1022952
AND THEY DIDN'T BRING ENOUGH NACHOS FOR EVERYONE

Uhhh I'll just pop off ideas:

a, Fashion contest but you don't get any prep time
b, Squid Game but the contestants are undead/immortal so it gets awkward when someone's eliminated
c, murder mystery, victim is watching the investigation as a ghost and getting progressively more pissed off by how long it's taking

-uh oh the wife woke up

uh oh someone remotely detonated wifebot’s self destruct!!!

You convince all of your quest characters to play mario kart, you lose, terribly.

This wasn't what you planned for at all

Oh look a mysterious negative thread
pull it

>>1022948

Remember that time I kicked you into the sky in my own stupid One Night Only quest :)

For reference~

https://questden.org/kusaba/graveyard/res/733370.html#733535

Ouch, I am late. Welcome to Spain try Cachopo!

thank u everyone for playing last night, i had a blast! unfortunately i also gave myself a hangover that incapacitated me until nearly 8 o clock at night which brings me to consider that perhaps this is the end of an era...... the last of the one night only fractal drunk quests. (stoned quests are still on the table. weed doesn’t BETRAY ME like this.)

sincerely, i missed you guys and it feels good to know i can always come back here and have fun :) see you soon...?

>>1023015
One last drink for the questin' author. Have a good one.

>>1023015
We love you Fractal!!!!