a whole bucket of coffee 2015/04/12(Sun)14:53 No. 634061 ID: cd9ba8
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▲t̢̮̘ͯ̐ͧ͠ḛ̮̗̑̔ͦ᷀s̺̝̩̮̳̺̄t͚͈̮̣͉᷄̍ĩ͚᷿̮̰̆͑̈͘▲ņ̴̷᷿̮͗᷃g̖̮ͬͨ᷃͑̕ ̮᷉̅͑̋̅ͪφοῖνιξt̴̲̮͍ͥͤͭë̛̱̮̹͛̓s̭̟͎̮͈̍͢t̮᷂͂ͯ᷃̕͢i̮͊̊̽͆͑͟n̮̯᷇᷅ͣ̚͡g̨̥̮̤̃ͨ͟ ▲▲▲▲∃●● can you
hear me ❃♡▲φ♡ HEY YOU ▲●φ
████fu█king load of malarkey who the hell AUTH█RIZED magic to be HARD◙███φ████nope back up i just had it how do you even PRONOUNCE this████
██BLUH███ ≈≈≈BLAH ANCIENT EVOCATI▲N BLAAAH≈≈≈ WHY ARE WIZARDS SUCH NNNERDS OKAY I GOT THIS██
!!!!
YO
YOOOOOOO
okay i think i totes got it now
can you hear me???

a whole bucket of coffee 2015/04/12(Sun)14:53 No. 634062 ID: cd9ba8
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!!!!
aha, aha, got it!! okay here's the rundown, you're supposed to be some sort of spirit guide bullshit with enormous knowledge about the world, but look, this other scroll singed my fucking coat (don't ever steal from senile wizards) so i have some doubts about that.
do you even know my name, for example?
>Enter name

>Enter name
Danny

And my first official act as magic spirit guide is to tell you you're an idiot attempting to cast a magic spell you can't pronounce, much less understand, blind. That's bad! Don't do that.

Secondly, stealing from powerful people who throw fireballs is stupid unless you're a good enough thief to get away and they never notice it's missing.

You are Phillip Reynold.

Your name is Rex "Lucky" Rathalos.

Richard biggson

a whole bucket of coffee 2015/04/12(Sun)15:37 No. 634069 ID: cd9ba8
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YEP! my name is danny "lucky" reynold! and i am the most best thief to ever...thieve. yeah. totes.

>And my first official act as magic spirit guide is to tell you you're an idiot attempting to cast a magic spell you can't pronounce, much less understand, blind. That's bad! Don't do that.
well, it was...i mean, uh...i didn't even really think of...that was not one of my shining moments, no.

>Secondly, stealing from powerful people who throw fireballs is stupid unless you're a good enough thief to get away and they never notice it's missing.
ohhhhh boy, wait till i tell you all that i plan to steal from the princess. well, the princess and the prince both, really.
but i mean, if i manage to do this, if i manage to steal something off of the fucking royalty, then i'm bound to get into the big crime leagues for sure! rathalos is bound to accept me if i give him something like that! right?

a whole bucket of coffee 2015/04/12(Sun)15:40 No. 634070 ID: cd9ba8
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hey, guys, uh, meet queeny! she's my pet--uh, ALARM SYSTEM, and right now she's trying to tell me someone is coming into my alley.
im. not supposed to be in this part of town. like, at all. you're supposed to be super fucking fancy to even get here, cause it's where the nobles live yeah? but i snuck in and i put queeny under my coat. except now i gotta pick if i wanna jet or fight whoever's coming or pretend i'm lord fancypants most trusted servant or whatever or something else
???????

Flee.

>>634070
Skree back at her in aknowledgement and slealthlily sneak away like a pro thief

Get outta town.

grab queeny, run like the clappers.

you're in an alleyway with a pet opossum, their is no way in hell you're passing as someone wealth and I see no point into getting into a fight. So get out while you still can before they call the guards on your sorry ass.

The whole point of having an alarm system is to flee before people find you. Or so you can shoot first, but honestly, you don't seem the type. Move it.

Flee.

Also, you are trying to impress some existing master thief, or guild thereof? To do so, you need skill and daring, yes, but you also need discretion. Overreach, get caught (or at least identified), accumulate powerful enemies, and soon enough you're a walking joke like Hok. If you want to make friends, you've got to demonstrate that the value of having your skills at their disposal is greater than the cost of having your enemies at their gate.

>rathalos is bound to accept me if i give him something like that!
If the royals find out you do it I would expect other thieves to be as likely to turn you in for the bounty money (or at least threaten to do so as blackmail) as to welcome you with open arms.

>the most best thief
Is that a reference to a certain most best post-apocalyptic expedition captain?

a whole bucket of coffee 2015/04/13(Mon)16:11 No. 634234 ID: 6f4838
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>>634073
but of course, communication is important.

>>634110
yes! :D

a whole bucket of coffee 2015/04/13(Mon)16:11 No. 634235 ID: 6f4838
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RIGHT you all have excellent points so im just gonna boldly run like the blazes. and yeah i don't shoot first - i don't even own a gun right now, just a knife. my gun was taken from me by a cruel twist of fate that one time the kickback from its firing made me drop it into the harbour. OH WELL, SUCH IS LIFE
well, i've successfully fucked off without being spotted (i think) and ive made it close to the high-end market. its where - oh, hey, you probably already know all about it as my spirit guides, right?

a whole bucket of coffee 2015/04/13(Mon)16:12 No. 634236 ID: 6f4838
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>If the royals find out you do it I would expect other thieves to be as likely to turn you in for the bounty money (or at least threaten to do so as blackmail) as to welcome you with open arms.
yes, but the royals aren't supposed to find out i did it, DUH! ...and if they do, i'll just keep on the down-low for a while. they're only visiting for a short while - they're foreign, so they have their weird foreign place to run too. something something diplomacy something, yawn like i give a shit
>>634085
i'm trying to impress richard rathalos, the best thief boss in the buisness! he runs what's probably the biggest gang in Charigradain, and he's my ticket into a bigger, brighter future. a future where everyone knows my name! ...okay, maybe not, considering that that would be bad for a thief, but a future where everyone knows of my...nam...A FUTURE WHERE I'M FUCKING RICH AND HAVE IT ALL IS WHAT
hm, anyway, point is, i have many skills! fore example, i'm a natural mage, and my special talent is communing with beasts. who, coincidentally, are the best scouts for casing potential ventures. and i just need one break, one big break.
i've got a tip that the foreign royals are gonna come see the charms of a Charigradain market today (ha! as if! the high-end places are never the true soul of the city!)
so i've got a good view of the high-end market - look at them, bustling and nervous. they're too busy fretting and fussing over possibly offending the fancypants, that they wont even notice me.
...guys, guys. i could pick their pockets. i have the perfect oportunity to pick the pockets of royalty. what other thief can say that right now?
should i go for it? or should i wait and try something else? should i even steal from them in the market anyway?

>oh, hey, you probably already know all about it as my spirit guides, right?
We have a lot of general purpose knowledge. We're skilled in reason, discourse, logic, resource management, economics, game theory, diplomacy, mathematics and the like.

Stuff like the specific geography of the town you happen to be in? I'm afraid we're reliant on you, there. Or whatever local resources you can tap (or we can help you tap).

Think of us like a skilled foreign dignitary, or a crafts-person outside of their workshop. We know a lot of stuff / have skills, but we can't use it all here, and we don't know everything about where we are.

>should i go for it? or should i wait and try something else?
I would think we'd want more time to learn the lay of the land and plan a heist than to risk exposure trying to hit a target of opportunity.

>and my special talent is communing with beasts
How far does that go? Will any beast obey you, or do you need to build a relationship? What qualifies as a beast? You can talk to possums- what about birds? Snakes? Insects? Spiders?

Does this mean you can speak with any person, regardless of language barrier?

It's possible we could pull a heist without you ever setting foot in the palace if you gained influence over the creatures living in and around it.

if you can talk to animals I say make a distraction with those birds their. Doesn't really matter what as long as they are a big enough bother that no one would notice you. Like have them sing and dance or just swarm someone in the center of the market and while everyone is staring help yourself to a five finger discount. Just don't get caught.

is "Danny" short for "Danielle" by any chance

a whole bucket of coffee 2015/04/15(Wed)13:41 No. 634623 ID: 19362e
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ahh got it, so you're like a sassy encyclopedia. got it!
>It's possible we could pull a heist without you ever setting foot in the palace if you gained influence over the creatures living in and around it.
oh man oh man i really hope so! we gotta be quick though, i mean, they aren't here for long, and they have cool foreign shit i really want!
they still inscribe glyphs onto objects, even afer it was banned here for...bloodcurdling reasons. but i mean, it's been years since the reasons happened, so they've bound to have improved, right?
>>634290
the fact that literally everyone flubbed the gender check is something super hilarious to me ngl
nah, danny can totes be a girls name! i say this on account of me being a girl with that name.

a whole bucket of coffee 2015/04/15(Wed)13:41 No. 634624 ID: 19362e
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>communing questions
i actually never spoke to any foreigners! but i dont see why i couldn't have!
any beast will obey me, but it's easier to control them the more they're inclined to do the thing anyway. like, i tell a dog to bite someone in the ass, easy. i tell a dog to jump into a well? not easy and also sociopathic why the fuck would i do that.
its easier when we actually have a relationship though, i can get queeny to do damn near anything. i also got her a bow because shes cute and my pet.
i can control insects and spiders yeah, but the connection weakenes the further away we are!
oh hey, maybe i could demonstrate!

a whole bucket of coffee 2015/04/15(Wed)13:42 No. 634625 ID: 19362e
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>You are now Three Confused Pigeons (really, Danny? Really?)
>Fly up
>Shit on a salesman
>Shit on royalty
>Squawk
>Other

Shit on Danny

Shit on everyone.

hrrm...
poop on the royals!

>sassy encyclopedia
Haha, I like it.

>oh man oh man i really hope so! we gotta be quick though, i mean, they aren't here for long, and they have cool foreign shit i really want!
Oh, a specific target, with a time limit? That's harder.

If we could go slow and steady you could basically guarantee setting up a system where we got the palace vermin slowly smuggling a steady stream of small stuff out for you. Less prep time and grabbing a bunch of relatively large (versus small animals) stuff at once is more challenging.

...a big priority, besides not getting caught, is not making it obvious how you did it, either. If your method gets out, it becomes less effective.

>i can control insects and spiders yeah, but the connection weakenes the further away we are!
That gives you some interesting options. If you have the prep time to set it up, there's a lot of cool stuff you can do with spider silk. Plus, the insect world gives you access to a lot of potentially useful chemicals, and very unobtrusive scouting.

An easier short term goal might be to collect a few dangerous insects as panic buttons. A few bugs are easy to conceal on your person, and it would be a quick and unexpected way to deal with someone trying seriously to kill you, for instance. (An occupational hazard, if you're stealing from the rich and powerful).

...you could even get paid to collect useful bugs and/or animals, if you pose as an exterminator. (Just ask / order them to leave with you).

>>634625
Fly my pretties! Fly!

Throw a ruckus on one shop. Distraction!

>>634637
>pose as an exterminator
I like the way you think.

>what do
Poop on royalty, flap about and snatch jewelry. (But don't give it to Danny, fly off with it somewhere so she can retrieve it.)

You called for us to advise you? Reconsider your medium-term plan of 'impressing' Rathalos. Seriously, even if you pull off some hot-shit pickpocketing of knick-knacks from royalty--despite their bodyguards, entourage and every security officer around being nervous for miles around--so what? You will only be worth a fraction as much to this Rathalos character as the value of what you do. A much smarter plan is to go achieve a more useful venture pursuing ends with higher fungible/useful value, and keep all your profits for yourself. If you're prosperous enough of a thief he'll be coming to talk to you, not the other way around. Further, I really don't suggest being a thief anyway because most people hate them with good reason.

Seriously, with talents like your animal control you could be peerless in S&R, scouting, spying, surveying, discreet courier work, grifting, assassination, and any number of fields with much higher status than base thievery. Please tell us more about yourself, your background, education, family, and such so we can do a better job of helping you find a job that sucks less than 'thief.'

I vote for shitting on Danny as well.

Hell, just shit on everyone. Bird shitstorm.

Shit on everything in sight