Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/24(Mon)09:20 No. 274365 ID: f604d6
File 129588964156.png - (103.29KB , 870x540 , 05-02.png )

...Fun and games...

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/24(Mon)09:22 No. 274366 ID: f604d6
File 129588972678.png - (158.68KB , 870x540 , 05-03.png )

...Good friends...

Seems like everyone is having a good time. Got any food?

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/24(Mon)09:24 No. 274368 ID: f604d6
File 129588984970.png - (65.29KB , 870x540 , 05-04.png )

...Wonderful flavors...

JOANDVENTURE MAXIMUM, EPISODE 5 Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/24(Mon)09:25 No. 274369 ID: f604d6
File 129588993212.png - (55.96KB , 870x540 , 05-05.png )

Truly a perfect day, isn't it, JOAN?

>>274369
Elves are dying, shells are flying and their vile elven flesh is frying. Days doesn't get any better than this.

So how is the assault on their fortress going?

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/24(Mon)09:48 No. 274377 ID: f604d6
File 129589128585.png - (81.37KB , 870x540 , 05-06.png )

>>So how is the assault on their fortress going?
You're attacking elfs and Abanlorban. What did you expect, competent resistance? A fair fight?

HAH!

If it wasn't such a perfect day, you'd feel like ruining the mood by expressing your feelings towards elfs and Abanlorban. But the All-Father smiles upon you this day, so you'll just laugh at that elf who you shot in his shitty long-eared ass.

>>274377
AS YOU SHOULD.

WHAT MANNER OF WHOAMAN WOULD FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE SHOOTING AN ELF?

CERTAINLY NOT ONE AS DWARFY AND THUNDERGODISH AS YOURSELF, JOAN.

Examine best friend forever and sometimes pet John. Is she being a good dog?

>>274377

My body wasn't ready for this.

Where is John with her ridiculously ornamental and terrifying armour? Is she slaying some elves good? And where's that bloody Scotsman?

>>274377
Ah, the blessing of the all father is with you then. Good, resume the charge. Keep at it until the last of their long eared bodies have hit the ground and you stand victorious atop a pile of their dead and feast on their hearts.

So how are your tits? Still there? That's cool. Wore any new hats lately?

>>274377
Charge. Noone shall take your glory.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/24(Mon)10:42 No. 274390 ID: f604d6
File 129589456177.png - (144.00KB , 870x540 , 05-07.png )

>>John
>>Noone shall take your glory.
John is being selfish and greedy and hogging all the fun!

>>274390
Well now, we can't have that can we? No of course we can't.

So charge the motherfucking elves some more. The All Father's eye is on you this day, do not make him disappointed in you.

Yeah man, not much to suggest here.
Stay close to John, but not to close, and mow down some elves.
Especial ones with long range weapons.

Look out for hot shell casings landing in cleavage. That REALLY stings.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/24(Mon)12:15 No. 274411 ID: f604d6
File 129590011470.png - (157.19KB , 870x540 , 05-08.png )

HA HA HA!

SUCKS TO BE ELF!

This is fun but you're starting to run out of elfs outside the fort.

>>274411
Well then you know what you must do. Grab that sword, run up to the tank, climb onto the tank and stand atop the turret, wave the sword in the air and fill your lungs yell out "CHARGE!" as loudly as you can.

Then tell the tank crew to fire on the doors to blast them open and lead the charge into the fortress.

Nah, get John and look a side entry.
All the elves will fearfully look at the main-entrance an showing up in the middle of the castle and start wreaking havoc will be hilarious.
Get some melee weapon first though.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/24(Mon)13:13 No. 274438 ID: f604d6
File 129590358740.png - (185.74KB , 870x540 , 05-09.png )

>>doors
Long gone.

>>side entry
John points to the "side" entry.

>>274438
well what are you waiting for? CHARGE

>>274438
Well lets get on with this shit then. Commander that tank and charge!

>>274446
Joan cannot into tank though.
We'll have to make due as infantrypersons.

>>274449
She can just stand on top of it then and tell them to drive her closer so she can hit them with her sword.

Sir Double-Shoggoth 2011/01/24(Mon)14:10 No. 274455 ID: f604d6
File 129590705487.png - (41.47KB , 870x540 , 05-10.png )

>>charge with tank

Fall more gracefully.

>>274455
Attempt to land on your plentiful padding. Do not dance midair.

Sir Double-Shoggoth 2011/01/24(Mon)14:54 No. 274469 ID: f604d6
File 129590964587.png - (57.09KB , 870x540 , 05-11.png )

>>Fall more gracefully.
There is only one way to do that!

>>274455
aim for john

>>274469
Excellent work. Now you have created a breach in their defensive lines. Now get a weapon and finish off that elf before looking for more of the pointy eared scourge to kill. The All Father demands more souls!

>>274469
Don't aim for John, that's stupid. Bounce across the heads of the elves like sonic and or mario for maximum bonus points

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/24(Mon)15:12 No. 274478 ID: f604d6
File 129591075216.png - (45.39KB , 870x540 , 05-12.png )

>>finish off
What elf?

>>274478
LOOT HIS HAT.

>>274478
Your head's bleeding a little. But whatever. Get ye gun, kill ye elves!

>>274478
The one whose nose you smashed in with your rocking tits. He's possibly still breathing, make sure he stops with that. Damn dirty elf, stealing your air.

Then you can keep advancing and killing more elves. After which you can feast on their hearts and gain more power from the All Father.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/24(Mon)16:04 No. 274496 ID: f604d6
File 129591384653.png - (62.39KB , 870x540 , 05-13.png )

Who says computer games are not educational?

>>274496
Probably one of those elves writhing in intense pain. Fucking elves, shows what they know.

But we can't stop, as entertaining as this sight is we must continue to advance. There are more elves to be killed, and those little racial traitor fucks need to learn to not side with the enemy.

FUCK YES, THE DORFDOTTIR RETURNS

Man, just get in there and Gun Ye Elf. Don't run out of ammo!

you know, someday we need to find some way to reverse the magical mishap that crippled our once strength score, so we can use a good axe or perhaps the prezzie the grandparents gave.

FUCK. YES. THIS QUEST.

I suggest you charge inside and shoot 1000 elves in the balls.

>>274565
and to get back at john for the extra-rough sergaling she did to her

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/25(Tue)07:03 No. 274671 ID: f604d6
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You ran out of ammo.

So what, you're a viking-dorf. Look around for a suitable melee weapon.
Unless you're still weak, I'm not quite sure about your overall curse situation.
In that case you have to shamefully look for John to protect you, like back in the day.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/25(Tue)08:43 No. 274677 ID: f604d6
File 129597378214.png - (35.14KB , 870x540 , 05-15.png )

>>suitable melee weapon

>>274677
WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST STANDING THERE?!
Go punch elves in the face.

>>274677
Stealth mode! Sneak into the throne room and bust the elven king's nuts. Or the queen's. Whatever elves have these days.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/25(Tue)09:13 No. 274688 ID: f604d6
File 129597561553.png - (48.42KB , 870x540 , 05-16.png )

>>punch elfs

>>274688
Now that's a happy smile. Commence with the elf punching and make your grandma proud.

>>274688
And I... I thought... I would never... say this again... in a quest...

PUNCH EVERYTHING!

>>274688
Rip and Tear.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/25(Tue)10:46 No. 274697 ID: f604d6
File 129598117541.png - (113.68KB , 870x540 , 05-17.png )

>>PUNCH EVERYTHING!
>>Rip and tear.
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFBLOCKERS

>>274697
Turn around and ask the scotsman if he would like to charge with you and open a path.

>>274697
Is that John in the middle of the carnage there? I think so.

Sneak attack, GO!

>>274697
Supporting Scotsman right behind you. Into the fray!

Use boobs to clear a path.

That tank is still behind you, right?

POINTY EARS, 12 O'CLOCK! LOAD CANISTER!

>> You ran out of ammo.
GOD DAMMIT JOAN

Knuckle ye elf!

>>274697
Push past your allies, or at least catch up.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/27(Thu)09:25 No. 275316 ID: f604d6
File 12961491328.png - (61.69KB , 870x540 , 05-18.png )

>>ask the scotsman if he would like to "charge" with you
You're not that kind of girl! You mean, on the first date, geez!

Say, isn't that shitty pointy-ear bitch getting a little too comfortable with your ma--- you mean Tom.

"I thought you should interrogate it since you probably know more about these forts than I."

Get John and use the old Bad cop and Cannibalistic Rapist Cop trick to get information out of it.

>>275316
hmm
time to explore the saying "Its not gay if its an elf."

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/27(Thu)12:08 No. 275355 ID: f604d6
File 129615892631.png - (48.80KB , 870x540 , 05-19.png )

>>Get John
John is too busy hogging all the fun.

>>time to explore the saying "Its not gay if its an elf."
Actually, it goes "ELF = GAY" and it's a fact, not a saying.

You start with the most important question. Namely, what the fuck was the shitty skank thinking, making a move on your ma--- you mean Tom. Does it think it's people? Huh? HUH? DOES TOM LOOK LIKE AN ELF-LOVING BITCH?

"...W-what?"

Threaten to bite off its ears unless it talks. Oh yes, it will talk.

WHERE ARE THE TRAPS? WHERE IS THE EMERGENCY EXIT? WHERE'S THE GOOOOOOOOLD?

>>275355
Mock it for its lack of bosom.

Crush some pretty flowers in front of it's face to show you're serious.

puff thy chest out dwarfchilde, and look disapprovingly upon the creatures lack of a bosom, assuming it isn't a man, fuck it's hard to tell with these damn elves, the men all look like ladies.

First off, male or female?

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/27(Thu)13:57 No. 275394 ID: f604d6
File 129616544399.png - (63.76KB , 870x540 , 05-20.png )

>>TRAPS
"There aren't any!"
>>EMERGENCY EXIT
"It's not finished yet, it's just a dead end!"
>>GOOOOOOOOAAAAALLLL
"IN THE VAULT AT THE BACK OF THE THRONE ROOM PLEASE DON'T KILL ME I'LL HAVE EAR-REDUCTION SURGERY AND START DRINKING ALCOHOL JUST PLEASE DON'T KILL ME THE MAIN VENTILATION SHAFTS LEAD RIGHT INTO THE THRONE ROOM I PROMISE I'LL NEVER GO TO ANOTHER FOREST SHRINE AGAIN PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!"

>>male or female
It's an elf. That's all you need to know. Look at the shitty long-ear being mocked by your massive bust!

>>275355
Sock her in the nose to establish dominance. Then you can ask her shit, punch her every time she hesitates or seems dodgy about the answer.

>>275394
Oh, you already got the information. Ok then, throat slicing time and then charge into the fray. Still more elves to kill.

>>275394
Perform sloppy ear-reduction surgery on Elf.

>>attach collar to neck
>> take pet elf into the fray

>>275394

You got the info. Don't kill this one, it's your personal slave now.

>>275403
>>275404
It's an elf, they're vermin. Not fit to be pets or slaves.

>>275405

Even vermin can be pets, if only as food for their superiors (john, or hell even joan if shes hungry enough)

>>275406

see now you're assuming the scotsman doesn't eat elves!

>>275406
They're pestilent vermin. None can be allowed to live one second longer than the time it takes to kill them.

Joan has eaten elf in the past. It increses her strength. And there will be a lot of elf to eat afterwards.

Perform ear-reduction surgery.

>>275394
Oh, it's so cute when it's terrified.
It couldn't smell as bad as a ferret, and I'm sure you can teach it tricks. Keep it as a pet!

Why would you dock its ears? Then people might think it's human! No, instead give it a weapon and make it help you kill elves. That would be fun AND insure it knows who it belongs to!

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/27(Thu)15:31 No. 275445 ID: f604d6
File 129617108263.png - (49.29KB , 870x540 , 05-21.png )

You take the elf prisoner - and remind it of its status as a shitty long-ear asshole with a swift kick in the weak spot. Even if you can't find any other use for it, it can be used in a magma race in the victory party there's obviously going to be after the fight. If this fort is even half-way decent by any normal dorfen standards, there should be a magma race track - and even if there isn't, you can build one. How hard can it be?

But now, should you pay attention to the elf's interrogation or try to get stuck in even though there are way many people blocking your way to the elfslaughter?

>>275445
Get stuck in with the Boyz.

MURDALATE SOMETHING.

have tom carry the elf, lets have a look at those vents it mentioned.

If it doesn't check out, well we start taking body parts.

>>275445
Damn it he looks gaaaaaaaaay. Fag is probably lovin' it as well.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/27(Thu)16:22 No. 275469 ID: f604d6
File 129617417523.png - (60.32KB , 870x540 , 05-22.png )

John has left you a helpful clue. You know it was John because you obviously recognize her handwriting.

You can easily fit in the vent.

But just to be sure you concentrate on the matter most seriously.

throw elf down hole to check for traps, then jump down after and use the elf as a landing pad

>>275469
Throw elf in, jump down on elf and hope it breaks many bones. Then ask the scotsman to follow (you get a chance to peek under his Kilt).

>>275469
Are you sure you can fit?
You may need some butter to stop your chest from getting stuck.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/27(Thu)16:53 No. 275484 ID: f604d6
File 12961759941.png - (63.51KB , 870x540 , 05-23.png )

>>down

use elf as step ladder to reach vent, then pull elf up by leash after us.

>>275484
Well fuck. Ok, ask the scot to help you up and then crawl into it. Tell him that it's ok if he kills the elf while you're gone.

>>275484
Shove elf in, then follow it.
Let it lead you there, which it will do because it knows you're right behind it with painful death if it tries to double cross you.

When you get to the end capture another elf and make this one slit the elf's throat while looking it in the eye. Classic way of breaking a prisoner.
You're keeping this one as a pet; it can learn tricks and bring you your slippers.

>>275488

nah, send the scotsman first, then the elf, then you
That way the elf cant just run off once it reaches the end of the vents.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/28(Fri)11:45 No. 275762 ID: f604d6
File 129624392868.png - (40.97KB , 870x540 , 05-24.png )

You're not going to untie the elf right after you tied it up!

Speaking of "up", that's where you're going, but the method is a bit...

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/28(Fri)11:46 No. 275763 ID: f604d6
File 129624397240.png - (36.50KB , 870x540 , 05-25.png )

...Well...

>>275763
Stop pretending that you're not loving every second of it. Anyway, grab onto the ledge and tell him to shift his hands down to your feet so he can push properly.

it's the perfect method.

If you want to keep the elf tied-up just drag it behind you, but don't leave it somewhere, might come in handy.

>>275763
He's blushing! D'awwww

pretend not to notice, and make sure to wiggle dat ass a plenty as you climb into that hole.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/28(Fri)15:04 No. 275801 ID: f604d6
File 12962558947.png - (44.58KB , 870x540 , 05-26.png )

It would appear that Tom can't reach the vent.

>>275801
Have him shove the elf in after you.

>>275801
Too bad, he will just have to settle for killing the elf you left him. It's not like you can turn around in there to help him with the elf. And if he can't reach it then he won't be able to push the elf in.

Looks like you will have to go on alone and kill all of the elves.

Wow, we sure do hate elves for some reason. Climb down that elf-tube and punch the elves available on the other side of it!

>>275805
What's wrong with you? You don't kill pets!

>>275801
Tom's a good man. He'll meet up with you later.
Now shimmy and shake your way deeper.
See if John left any other pointers inside.

>>275887
Well elves aren't pets. They're elves, fit only for extermination.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/29(Sat)09:52 No. 276033 ID: f604d6
File 129632356735.png - (112.08KB , 870x540 , 05-27.png )

"...Petty...not working!"

"I assure you, it is working! I am receiving all the correct responses, it must be working! Perhaps it is your spies who are incompetent?"

"My spies are not like your weak elves! You have boasted your skill, but that old goat shows no signs of weakening!"

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/29(Sat)09:55 No. 276036 ID: f604d6
File 129632369946.png - (27.64KB , 870x540 , 05-28.png )

"You belittle my minions, but your dwarves are not mounting any stronger defense! I'd know if my magic was not working, but the responses are there!"

"That old goat and his blood are acting freely without any hindrance! Can you explain that?"

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/29(Sat)09:57 No. 276039 ID: f604d6
File 129632386321.png - (78.07KB , 870x540 , 05-29.png )

"If your minions did not follow the instructions, my magic obviously will not work! I performed the proper rites, if anything was wrong, it was the ingredients!"

"Again you try to avoid responsibility, I should---"

"W-wait, what was that?"

"What?"

"The spell is flickering and weakening!"

"WHAT?"

"Your enemy obviously has powerful wizards if they can affect my magic!"

"He has none! I know for certain!"

>>276039
Punch them! Punch the FUCK out of them!

Start with the pudgy one since that wizard sucks.

>>276039
The short one has a manly beard yet he works with the elves. Rip and tear that beard. He doesn't deserve it.

so who has magic to diminish their own?

Joan, I think your presence is fucking with their spell. Focus on the symbol thingy.

>>276039
Your boobs are interfering with their magic! Charge them while they're distracted.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/29(Sat)12:07 No. 276084 ID: f604d6
File 12963316527.png - (37.04KB , 870x540 , 05-30.png )

"There's someone in the ventilation shaft! Up there!"

"WHO DARES...!"

You remember that face. You remember that face.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/29(Sat)12:17 No. 276088 ID: f604d6
File 129633222614.png - (105.21KB , 870x540 , 05-31.png )

You remember that Odindamn face.

"And these assholes are Abanlorban. That's Monom Leromkikrost, their leader. They play with elfs. They're all shitty motherfuckers."

"Elfstink elfstink super elfstink asshole motherfucker shit!"

Yeah, this definitely calls for some outfucking punches.

HEADBUTT THE FUCKER

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/01/29(Sat)12:22 No. 276090 ID: f604d6
File 129633252272.png - (36.39KB , 870x540 , 05-32.png )

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?"

Perhaps you should answer him, no?

>>276090
"I AM JOAN!"

Smother him with your tits.

Any sign of help around?

>>276090
Answer him with FIST.

>>276090
>>276095
>>276105
Punch him with a right hook, then titslap him back the other way, and finish him off with a nutkick explosion technique.

>>276106
While yelling I AM JOAN

i just noticed he problaby has ambiguously gay elven friends that are also named joan.

better add a last name, and a spit in the face of his elf friend

>>276090
Answer him by gouging out his eyes and spitting in the sockets.

[WARNING: Animated Content!] Sir Double-Faggot 2011/02/01(Tue)16:45 No. 277252 ID: f604d6
File 129660751460.gif - (1.30MB , 870x540 , 05-33.gif )

YOU!

ARE!

JOAN!

BITCHES BETTA RECOGNIZE



...THAT THIS IS TO BE CONTINUED!

>>277252
Mad hype.

FUCK SHIT UP! Also where the hell is John. Is she having TOO MUCH FUN?

>>277252
Did you just hit that man so hard you glimpsed your mother and father having sex?
ew...

>>283638
No that looked more like mom and the manly dude looking for his car. And then Grandma and Grandpa. Good to see that they're all getting it on still.

>>277252
Epic punching there Joan. Good to see that your ancestry is coming back to you.

JOANDVENTURE MAXIMUM, EPISODE 6 Sir Double-Faggot 2011/03/26(Sat)16:39 No. 291002 ID: 788dee
File 130118276473.png - (49.34KB , 870x540 , 06-01.png )

>>283523
>>where the hell is John
How the hell should you know? You can't see through walls and shit. Also you're obviously not her mom.

Well, there go your clothes. Now you nee
"DID YOU JUST KILL THE BOSS?!"

>>291002
Girl, you just ruined the party. Now NOBODY gets to fight teh demons. Go kill the summoner and bring the corpses to John.

>>291002
find some clothes before john finds you

>>291004
find some john before clothes finds you

>>291007

find some you before john finds clothes

Move arms.

>>291002
Your clothes are damaged, strip naked and cover yourself in the blood of your enemies

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/03/26(Sat)19:04 No. 291034 ID: 788dee
File 130119145901.png - (35.57KB , 870x540 , 06-02.png )

You can't see any clothes right here but at least you can drop the rags that would probably just get in the way.

"HEY, DID YOU JUST KILL THE BOSS OR WHAT?"

Maybe you should say something. Ignoring people is kind of rude.

"If I had killed the boss, I'm pretty sure I would have gained his power or got an important item or something. I think he was a mini-boss."

>>291034
say you killed the boss but his faggy buttwizard friend ran away like the pussy he is

>>291034
Who is the boss? The only person you killed was that elflover over there.

"Who?"

Flex.

>>291118
Seconding.

>>291034
She may have that axe, but this is a battle between tits. Relieve her of that axe and everything on her that prevents that glorious confrontation.

>>291034
Tell her you killed the shit out of him, and according to the rules and laws you're now the boss. Because if you kill a king or a chief then you get to claim the title.

Also, new orders for the people of this fort. The elves are now the enemies. Kill every single last one of them.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/03/27(Sun)15:46 No. 291312 ID: 788dee
File 130126598257.png - (43.52KB , 870x540 , 06-03.png )

>>291204
>>according to the rules and laws you're now the boss. Because if you kill a king or a chief then you get to claim the title.
Thank you Department of Redundancy Department's Captain Obvious of Department of Redundancy Department. Even babies know this dwarfen custom.

You tell this person that yes you did just kill the bo
"COCK YEAH! No more Abanlorban bullshit and elfs!

By the way, you look like you need new clothes. I handle that kind of things here. Do you want something more regal or just regular clothes?"

>>291312
You are already wearing clothes fit for an emperor.

best fighting gear, obviously. so something with fancy trim but otherwise good mobility.

metal tit spikes

>>291312
It had better be something fucking regal. And tell them to kill the shit out of the elves and maybe the won't get a taste of your wrath. Also, you want the hearts of the elves. Because they nourish your streangth and gives back the powers you were meant to have.

>>291312
regal, with extra menacing spikes

>>291312
Whatever it is it must be made of elf-skin leather.

Tell your new minion to fetch the mightiest brassiere of the land and a matching outfit to show it off with.

Helmet with huge wings on it is a must.
I'd also go for an ridiculous mix between bare skin and hard steel. Tradition pretty much demands that.

BeakieHelmet 2011/03/27(Sun)16:29 No. 291329 ID: 6b2b68
File 130126857438.jpg - (206.24KB , 536x842 , Matilda.jpg )

Obviously she needs this outfit.

There can be no substitutes.

>>291329
No thank you.

>>291312
>>291329
Yes. Your new clothes must menace with spikes.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/03/27(Sun)19:20 No. 291388 ID: 788dee
File 130127881591.png - (35.78KB , 870x540 , 06-04.png )

They were out of spikes.

[Roll 1d20 for hidden movement. Five first rolls go.]

rolled 7 = 7

---

rolled 10 = 10

---

>>291389
The wings on that helmet look incredibly silly. The rest of the outfit is a solid YES though.

rolled 3 = 3

---

I hope I win.

rolled 7 = 7

---

Dibs on John's hidden movement.

>>291388
That is the dumbest looking outfit you could have possibly been stuck in!

But no matter. It looks hilarious on you and the elf's laughter at your appearance will be quickly turned to tears by your meaty fists.

Find John, if she laughs at you stick her nose in your tits.

rolled 16 = 16

---

You are like a large chested Valkyrie, Joan.

oh those silly dorfs. i have seen them make spikes out of cloth, now they run out of spikes?

i belive its time to act like a boss and order every elf to die a bloody death.

>>291445
yeah if nothing else force them to mass-produce elfbone spikes for you

>>291445
Except for your new elf slave. They get to live so you can make them kill other elves and feed them elf meat.
Once they don't give a fuck about eating elf meat and enjoy killing elves they'll be a perfect pet for you.

rolled 2 = 2

---

>>291388
Awesome, now go kill the elves. All of the elves. None can be allowed to leave this place alive.

>>291388
Without Menacing spikes, you must supply more menace yourself.

>>291486
Except for your new elf slave, obviously.

>>291518
Nope, she goes as well. We already have a sergal pet, that's enough.

>>291520
>We already have a sergal pet
>implying it's not the other way around

Elf Slave? You mean freshly killed Elf

i agree with mentally torturing the slave elf into a mindless self hating death machine/assassin. can get into elf towns and destroy them from the inside while you destroy the outside.

>>291486
Yes. Kill all of the elves. Not killing all of the elves was the undoing of your predecessor.

Throwing more weight behind elf-bone spikes for your outfit.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/03/30(Wed)14:02 No. 291899 ID: 788dee
File 130151896943.png - (35.94KB , 870x540 , 06-05.png )

What should you do next? Technically you need to sit on the throne when the next person comes in or they can take over, but on the other hand there are elfs to kill and since you can't be everywhere at once, you'll need to decide where to go. Basically you can either trust everyone else not being assholes or miss out on all the fun.

You could feel two momentary sources of weak magical energies just a moment ago and you can hear the fighting, obviously not going well for the elfs - although any other conclusion would be hugely stupid anyway.

hmmmm... you need someone you can trust to not be an ass whole to watch over the place for you. know anyone that wouldn't mind sitting around all day?

1 sit on throne
2 get a phallic object attached to your codpiece
3 make her sit on it
4 ???
5 profit

>>291899
Get out there and kill some elves. Why are you even questioning this?

If anyone tries to take the throne while you're gone, you engage them in brutal combat to the death and take it back. God, you're such an incompetent potential warlord.

>>291910
this, and go find john before she sets the booze on fire or some other dumb animal thing

>>291899
You could have the throne propped up on bars and let slaves carry the whole thing around.
That way you could sit on the throne and move towards the slaughtering fun at the same time.
Gonna look a bit ridiculous, but that doesn't really matter anymore.

What's about the "hidden movement" anyway?

>>291899
Fight those fucking elves. When you come back chomping on the heart of an elf and covered in gore whoever was stupid enough to try and sit on your throne will move their fucking ass. Or just let John eat them. Either way you can get the throne back, but you can unkill the elves and then kill them again. So get out there and slay some longears.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/03/30(Wed)17:10 No. 291948 ID: 788dee
File 130153020265.png - (36.18KB , 870x540 , 06-06.png )

>>find John
>>fight elves
Those are not locations or even directions! You can't see through walls and you can't be everywhere at once!

Maybe some people live in tiny elf holes, but this fort is huge. Where should you start looking for whatever your priority is?

>>291948
Go left.

>>291948
Go back to where the elves were and kill them. Do we have to hold your hand through every little step, you ditz?

>>291948
right

>>291959
and by right I mean booze stockpile

>>291948
Go up.

Go into the white void.

>>291948
Ask your loyal subjects for directions.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/04/05(Tue)03:17 No. 294036 ID: 788dee
File 130199863917.png - (38.57KB , 870x540 , 06-07.png )

YOU ACCIDENTALLY A CHEAT CODE!

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/04/05(Tue)03:18 No. 294037 ID: 788dee
File 130199868853.png - (299.25KB , 870x540 , 06-08.png )

IT'S SUPER USEFUL!

Yell
"black sheep wall"
as loud as you can

>>294037

melons and James Coburn all over the place

oh god

>>294037
Start hacking away to clear the way.

>>294037
THRONE ROOM. Stake your claim.

say outloud "John, i got some watermelon" sergals love the melon.

>>291899
Get dorftits over there to leave and reenter the room so you can stake your claim.

eat a melon for nourishment!

Sir Double-Shoggoth 2011/05/27(Fri)17:41 No. 307235 ID: 788dee
File 130654330190.png - (111.56KB , 870x540 , 06-09.png )

You are sick of your bullshit.

You need to start making some really fucking definite and concrete decision right the fuck now, or there'll be hell to pay.

>>307235
Kill all fucking elves. Every single fucking one there is.

Rape self? No wait, that can't work.
Give me a hint, what should you be raping?

>>307235
Have the other dwarf leave and reenter so you can claim your throne. Then go inaugurate your rule with the blood of the elven.

>>307235
order the nearest dorf to lead you to where the booze is stockpiled

fight for FREDOME!!

LEAVE ROOM BY NEAREST EXIT.
FIND ELVES.
BRING YOUR PRETTY AXE TO THEIR FACES.
IF ANYONE SITS ON THRONE YOU KILL THEM DEAD WHEN YOU GET BACK.

Sir Double-Shoggoth 2011/05/28(Sat)15:00 No. 307391 ID: 788dee
File 130662004648.png - (182.03KB , 870x540 , 06-10.png )

>FREEDOME

Yeah.

This a plan.

>>307391
huh, I thought they were all dead already. be sure to punish everyone for slacking off after you're done.

>>307391
That's some impressive work. Now don't stop slashing and hacking until they're all dead. Every last one of them.

>>307391
Start TO HACK WHACK,CHOPPIN' THAT MEAT!

>>307539
yeah HACK IT FROM SUNRISE TILL SUNSET!

>>307235
>>307391

>Sir Double-Shoggoth

Sir Double-Shoggoth 2011/05/29(Sun)11:22 No. 307631 ID: 788dee
File 130669331770.png - (149.50KB , 870x540 , 06-11.png )

The more blood, the more FREEDOME.

Just like the book said.

>>307631

Joan... your face is melting. Fix your face.

>>307631
Mmmm, tasty succulent elf flesh. Now keep killing.

>>307631
observe your surroundings to assess the damage and glorious FREEDOME you fought for.

>>307631

Joan... what book are you talking about?

>>307712
The dark-elder-gods book she bought her tits from.

>>307631
Paint the halls red! Red with vegetarian tree hugging Moon worshiping cookie baking elfs.

Declare your Queenship as you tear your foes apart.

Sir Double-Shoggoth 2011/05/31(Tue)14:44 No. 308094 ID: 788dee
File 130687823298.png - (159.60KB , 870x540 , 06-12.png )

>Now keep killing.
You know what they say. If it ain't broke, kill everything you see.

>damage and glorious FREEDOME
Not enough yet.

>what book
What book?

You never mentioned any book.

But did you mention killing everything you see?

>>308094
Hmm, everything is quite a bit. But you know what's better than driving your enemy before you and hearing the lamentation of their women? Killing every fucking one and looking out over a field of hacked up corpses. So lets go do what's best in life and kill every fucking thing.

>>308094
...and then Joan was the God of War.

>>308094
Joan, sweety? Have you ever heard of friendly fire? Try and make sure it's elves that you're popping like grapes.

>>308102
If they weren't elves, they wouldn't be popping like grapes, now would they?

Carry on. Anything dumb enough to get in your way will either stop being dumb or stop being in your way soon enough.

Sir Double-Shoggoth 2011/05/31(Tue)17:03 No. 308123 ID: 788dee
File 130688659707.png - (149.62KB , 870x540 , 06-13.png )

>>308102
>Try and make sure it's elves
What part of everything did you not get?

>>308123
No no no! Don't kill John. John's been with you through all of this. John's to awesome to die. And don't kill your kilt wearing love interest either. As you said, they're your 'Good friends'.

>>308123
What are you standing around and arguing with headvoices for? Continue with the hacking and slashing, there's still stuff that is alive.

but if EVERYTHING is dead then there will be nothing left to kill.

>>308123
Stop killing for a moment, it's only good in moderation!

>>308123
If it didn't have the good sense to get the hell out of your way it was too stupid to live.

>>308123
Limit yourself. Most of the things around here besides the elves are your servants. Destroying them is counterproductive.

Sir Double-Shoggoth 2011/06/01(Wed)16:15 No. 308361 ID: 788dee
File 130697013601.png - (118.83KB , 870x540 , 06-14.png )

>but if EVERYTHING is dead then there will be nothing left to kill
Isn't that the goal?

Speaking of killing everything you see, here's one elf that's not completely dead yet. It probably had something to do with all these dead elfs you didn't get to kill, so you obviously need to get creative with the punishment.

>>308361
Steal this one's FINE HAT and GIRLY SKIRT for your own, leaving him to helplessly watch you make his pitiful attempts at fashion look good.

>>308361
Nope.avi
Remember, you're having fun. It would just be terrible once you have to stop killing. Just have your fill like a drug or food, let them procreate and grow up more things to kill, then the cycle becomes anew.
Or else the only thing left will be to kill yourself, and that means the party endss.

>>308361
Remember, you wanted this one to bone you. Sex, remember sex? Nice thing to do after a spot of violence?

Also, steal his hat.

>>308363
> let them procreate and grow up more things to kill, then the cycle becomes anew.
Spend the time between cycles turning yourself into a giant mind controlling space ship. Just watch out for those tricky SPHESSS MHREENS.

That's not an elf.

Hey, hold still for a second. You've got a little somethin' right there. No, a little lower. Little to the left...

Joan, snap out of it. That's your Scottish friend.

That's not an elf. That's the Scotsman. He's your friend. Don't kill him. Snap out of it. You probably went on a TK rampage just now.

>>308361
Hang him upside down and cut him from groin to sternum.

>>308361
Reveal your TRUE FORM to it.

No this fellow does not stand in the way of FREEDOME, he FIGHTS for it!

Regain your senses!

Sir Double-Shoggoth 2011/06/04(Sat)15:44 No. 309102 ID: 788dee
File 130722745254.png - (131.68KB , 870x540 , 06-15.png )

>Remember, you wanted this one to bone you. Sex, remember sex? Nice thing to do after a spot of violence?
That doesn't sound like killing everything you see.

>That's not an elf.
>He's your friend.
Sure it is. It looks just like an elf, doesn't it?

>Snap out of it.
>Regain your senses!
You speak as if you had lost your senses. Why is "to kill or not to kill everything you see" even a question when the question should be "to kill everything you see or to kill everything you see"?

You need to stop debating pointless things and get to the killing everything you see-part. The gate of Jötunheimr does not open itself.

>>309102
It most certainly doesn't. So lets get back to killing everything so the gate opens and then kill everything beyond that gate as well.

See, just 1 problem with killing everything you see. You see yourself. SUPER FUN HAPPY SUICIDE TIME :D

Joan, you look more like an elf than that guy. Seriously if you ever manage to crawl back to sanity you'll regret killing him. Unless he kills you, in which case I guess he'll regret killing the person attached to those HUGE FUNBAGS.

You should hurt everyone.

That wall behind you looks like it may be moving. Hack at it for a little while. If it looks like you're not accomplishing anything, that's just because it isn't dead yet.

>>309102
Jötunheimr. That's a thing. Why don't you do me a favor and close your eyes for a bit?

>>309188
>Jötunheimr (or Jǫtunheimr; often anglicized Jotunheim) is one of the Nine Worlds and the homeland (heim 'home') of the Giants of Norse Mythology — Rock Giants and Frost Giants.
...OH FUCK NO.

Joan, are you trying to end the world, sweetie?

ah, Joan, how far you've come since you were a scared and flat-chested little girl, trapped in a tunnel and menaced by a robutt. How much you've grown, and in so many senses of the word! How fortunate John misunderstood your attack as foreplay, and showed you the joys of sweet, sweet lesbian sergal love. <3
But I'm getting off track.
Kill? Bah! He is Scotsman! Rape him! Subdue him, pin him to the floor, raise that kilt, and do what comes natural! Make him scream with ecstasy (or terror, or pain, or whatever) as he spends himself into you! Claim his seed for the glory of...
...of...
...um...
You know what? Rape him just because it's fun. Scotsmen are good in bed.

>>309102
Dear you got some red on you.

Sir Double-Shoggoth 2011/06/21(Tue)15:15 No. 316023 ID: 4183c9
File 130869451536.png - (121.85KB , 870x570 , 06-16.png )

By the frosted balls of Iku-Turso, can you not concentrate for a second on a simple matter such as this? You need to stop thinking about unrelated things and just decide what way to kill this elf in, it's not rocket sci---

Ah good; he's BONKed some sense into you.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/06/21(Tue)16:08 No. 316053 ID: 4183c9
File 130869768201.png - (73.02KB , 870x570 , 06-18.png )

OW.

>>316053
BITCH I WILL RAPE YOU

well the fact they just bonked you instead of killing you means they are not a enemy.

Look around you. Look around you!

Have you figured out what we're looking for? It's dead bodies you killed, both friend and foe.

Freak out a little.

>>316053
Hey, looks like mom showed up to smack you a bit. Ask her what's up and if she will join you in killing all of these elves and then eating their hearts.

>>316024
Ask the stranger were they have learned this ability of mind altering judo chops!

SHMEEBLE. It's sir John Battersea of Corduroy, come to talk to you about the best cheap car insurance deals in Swansea.

Or so you thought...

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/07/04(Mon)13:15 No. 321570 ID: 4183c9
File 130981053962.png - (104.40KB , 870x570 , 06-19.png )

"I said what are you just standing there for? If that man is a friend, then help him, or if he's an elf then just kill him, by Äiatar's frosted cunt."

Who-

Wha-

Fuck, you just hope you killed most of these elves. Otherwise it's just embarrassing.

What man is she talking about?

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/07/04(Mon)13:16 No. 321571 ID: 4183c9
File 130981059453.png - (109.30KB , 870x570 , 06-20.png )

H-hey...

...How do you think you should react to this?

with lust and arousal

his ears are human. he is a friend.

Mercy and Compassion?

Wait... no... that's not it...

Booze! That's how you should react to this!

"Oh noes! are you okay? I didn't mean to thrash myself about so much in a mindless passionate rage that I almost killed you, would you like to have a 'make it all better' cookie as an apology?"

Must make sure I haven't killed John (everybody knows John is the most important character in the entire of the internets)

Respond with COMPASSION

>>321571
Booze is the correct answer. Lets raid the boozestorage and get some strong drinks, give some to that dude as well and he will be up and about in no time at all.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/07/05(Tue)10:13 No. 322006 ID: 4183c9
File 130988599266.png - (166.68KB , 870x570 , 06-21.png )

It seems someone else has beaten you to "raiding" the "booze", if you know what you mean.

give john a karate chop bonk to the head.

be disappoint.

>>322006

They were just about to film a porno with the "drunk friends" storyline, weren't they?

>>322006
Retrieve a couple of kegs and then leave them at it. Whatever 'it' is, probably better to not inquire closely.

>>322006
Take all the booze!

ALL OF IT!

At what point did John (or Joan, even) have a shower??

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/07/05(Tue)13:46 No. 322054 ID: 4183c9
File 130989881170.png - (127.88KB , 870x570 , 06-22.png )

Grabbin' peel--- you mean booze.

Also John is asking if you want to be a "star". According to her, it's "easy" and "fun".

>>322054
Do ya, girl? DO YA? Tell her to bring the camcorder, you have to claim your throne. Then christen it, the viking way.

>>322054
Of course the fuck you do. What kind of sissy elf-like creature would refuse?

>>322054
Nope, you're already the greatest star there is. You're the greatest elfkiller there is, you don't need any other kind of fame.

>>322054
Well obviously you can trust John, so go for it.

>>322054
Tell John that you'll hold the camera so she can be a star.

>>322072
Her "special talents" would make for a pretty unique movie. And illegal on most civilized planets.

Throne FIRST fuck later.

>>322054
I dont think John has ever given you an actual choice in anything up to now. Just make sure Tom's your co-star.

>>322054
No time for stardom, there's FREEDOME to be had still

be the star of the throne.

Sir Double-Faggot 2011/07/05(Tue)15:36 No. 322098 ID: 4183c9
File 130990537155.png - (52.61KB , 870x570 , 06-23.png )

Speaking of Tom, you're pretty sure he'll die soon unless you help him.

Not that you're a doctor, but call it feminine intuition. Or, you know, common sense.

On the other hand, if you don't help him, you could go straight to throne or stardom or whatever you fucking well please. You just have to decide what you want - instead of, you know, just standing around wondering at everything and being distracted by anything shiny like some elf with mental and medical issues.

sorry, but that is impossible, can only recommend stuff and then leave it to you to decide. if it was me, i'd help tom. but that's me. what do YOU want joan?

>>322098

top priority is to help Tom.

wait, scratch that. top priority is to slap yourself for comparing yourself to an elf.